Let Me Sleep, So My Teeth Don't Grind
Every time I look in the mirror I'm confronted by that uncanny body on the other side of the glass. I used to hate that body. I used to day dream about ending its life.
That body is mine, but I'm clawing my way out.
I am a gay, transgender man--assigned female at birth and socialized as such. I suffer the trauma the feminine body inflicts upon itself, and I endure the societal consequences of a feminine appearance. I've lived most of my life confused and depressed by this deep, dreadful wrongness I feel in relation to my body; a wrongness I have yet to overcome but know that I will.
...
Six weeks ago, I injected myself with testosterone for the time, beginning my medical transition. Since then, my body had already begin to change in noticeable, irreversible ways.
Now, every time I look in the mirror and I see that uncanny body standing there, I see an ephemeral condition--a body that will never be the same. I still don't see myself, but I can feel myself coming to the surface. I can feel myself becoming more comfortable with life.
Ryan Staffier
2026